Listen, you dimwits: I don't care one damn bit what you think the greatest song ever made is. For one, I don't care about your opinion on anything (all opinions other than my own register as utterly lacking merit in my mind), and for another thing, you're wrong. You are horribly, horribly wrong. That's NOT the greatest song ever. I can say this without even seeing your list, not because I'm psychic (if only), but because the kind of people who make "Greatest Song Ever" lists always pick one of the following as numero uno:
"Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley (Go listen to the original by Leonard Cohen and then try to tell me that Buckley's hack-job cover has any merit. You won't be able to.)
Anything by Pearl Jam (probably "Jeremy" 9 times out of 10)
"Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails (if you had said the Johnny Cash version you might have been on to something. Too bad, so sad.)
A Metallica Song (Metallica sucks, you idiots. Can't you see it?!)
mumblemumblemumble by Bob Dylan (you don't even know what he's saying, ADMIT IT.)
The kind of person who even listens to that shit is the kind of person who has no place critiquing music or claiming to know what the best of it is. That music is shit and the only people who like it have no taste and are likely 80 to 90 percent deaf. I'd have more respect for someone who said "You know what? The best song ever is "I Live by the Groove" by Paul Carrack." They'd be wrong (though it is a fine, catchy tune), but dammit it's so different and so, dare I say, bold to name a song that cheesy and obscure as the greatest ever that I would have to give some props to the person who said it just for having brass balls.
But instead I'm stuck with all these pussies who put the same crap atop their lists that everyone else does, for fear of being ridiculed or (God forbid) the fear of not having the same fucking opinion as their buddies on the internets. Wouldn't want to be all different, would we? Might shake things up and give us something to have a meaningful discussion about, like the merits of one type of music over another. Terrors!
So the next time you even consider making a "greatest songs ever" list, just remember: you're already a conformist douchebag, and your opinion is wrong. If you could remember this in any situation involving your opinion of anything and censor yourself as such we'd all be better off. Or at least I would be and that's all that really matters.
1/2/08
Happy New Year; "Juno"; Best movies of the Year
Isn't it weird that we celebrate the coming of the new year as much as we do? I mean, seriously, what's there to celebrate? This isn't like Christmas, when Santa brings gifts, or Thanksgiving, when Turkeys nobly sacrifice their lives to fulfill our bloodlust, or Ronald Reagan's birthday, when Liberals all gnash their teeth and cry. Those are days we celebrate because they give us those delightful reasons to celebrate them. There are no gifts or whatnot on New Year's Day. It's just another day. I mean, yeah, a new year has begun but it's not as though there's some radical change in our existences that comes with it. Life is just the same as it was the day before. We just have a new number to try to remember to write on our checks. We know we'll still put down "/o7" anyway because we're just used to it. In fact, most of us had just gotten used to it very recently, and now we have to start all over again. That's annoying as all fuck, ya know?
So fuck you very much for that, New Year.
Anywho...I saw that insanely popular movie "Juno". It was funny in that Wes Anderson "All the characters know it's a movie and mock that fact openly" sort of way, but I actually love Wes Anderson to pieces so that's a thumbs up comment. Also, it stars Ellen Page, who I adore to no end and who I swear will be the next Mrs. Dunbeck if I have my way, so that secures it a positive rating in my book no matter what.
And speaking of movies, I figure I'll get on the ol' bandwagon and concoct a list of my ten favorites from 2007. Gotta keep up with the Joneses, after all. Mind you there are many films I haven't had the chance to see yet (for example, "There Will Be Blood" isn't hitting my area for a few weeks yet. That makes me a sad panda).
1. "No Country for Old Men" - The only movie so great that I went to see it twice in the theater; The Coen Brothers finally got back into the "Fargo" mindset and turned out their first masterpiece since that great film a decade ago. Javier Bardem is unforgettable as a free-roaming serial murderer who takes on the task of retrieving a fortune from the man who found it at the scene of a drug sale gone wrong.
2. "Juno" - As it turns out, unplanned teenage pregnancy is a funny thing. Or at least in the wonderful world of screenwriter Diablo Cody.
3. "Sea Monsters" - a neat documentary from National Geographic that uses RealD 3D technology to bring prehistoric water-dwelling dinosaurs to life. It's a short film (40 minutes), but it was well worth the ticket price. The most "fun" movie of the year, and perhaps the best use of 3D in the movies.
4. "Mr. Brooks" - By God, Kevin Costner can act! An involving and surprisingly smart meditation on mental illness and serial murder that also features a great supporting performance from, of all people, Dane Cook, who needs to stick to drama and give up his futile quest to be a comedian.
5. "Grindhouse" - Two wildly different movies that just wouldn't be the same without each other and which, together with a collection of highly entertaining faux "coming attractions", celebrate the drive-in movie experience as they recreate it. Let us hope this idea can be continued with more films in the future.
6. "I Know Who Killed Me" - Lindsay Lohan's much-maligned turn for the adult is, to me, one of the most engrossing murder movies since "Silence of the Lambs". Accept it as a grim fairy tale and you may well find it brilliant; view it as an attempt at "realistic drama" and you're missing the whole idea. All the critics missed the idea.
7. "The Simpsons" - The show sucks now, but the the movie is as funny as the show was back in season 2. And man oh man is it something else to see Springfield in all the glory of 2.35:1 widescreen.
8. "300" - Beautiful to look at, as shallow as a puddle, and oh so wonderfully, mindlessly entertaining. Blood and guts have never looked better.
9. "The Kingdom" - Jamie Foxx is far more believable here as a military anti-terrorism officer than he was as Ray Charles (he won an Oscar for that?! Still baffles me). A well-written, thoughtful look at the Middle East conflict with nary a bad performance in sight. The abuse of "shaky cam" is distracting (and nauseating), but that's the only flaw in this film.
10. "Dead Silence" - The makers of the excellent "Saw" kick it old school in this throwback to the horror films of the thirties, the best treatment of a killer doll/puppet story since the first "Child's Play" film. And man is that Donnie Wahlberg a wizard with an electric shaver or what?
So fuck you very much for that, New Year.
Anywho...I saw that insanely popular movie "Juno". It was funny in that Wes Anderson "All the characters know it's a movie and mock that fact openly" sort of way, but I actually love Wes Anderson to pieces so that's a thumbs up comment. Also, it stars Ellen Page, who I adore to no end and who I swear will be the next Mrs. Dunbeck if I have my way, so that secures it a positive rating in my book no matter what.
And speaking of movies, I figure I'll get on the ol' bandwagon and concoct a list of my ten favorites from 2007. Gotta keep up with the Joneses, after all. Mind you there are many films I haven't had the chance to see yet (for example, "There Will Be Blood" isn't hitting my area for a few weeks yet. That makes me a sad panda).
1. "No Country for Old Men" - The only movie so great that I went to see it twice in the theater; The Coen Brothers finally got back into the "Fargo" mindset and turned out their first masterpiece since that great film a decade ago. Javier Bardem is unforgettable as a free-roaming serial murderer who takes on the task of retrieving a fortune from the man who found it at the scene of a drug sale gone wrong.
2. "Juno" - As it turns out, unplanned teenage pregnancy is a funny thing. Or at least in the wonderful world of screenwriter Diablo Cody.
3. "Sea Monsters" - a neat documentary from National Geographic that uses RealD 3D technology to bring prehistoric water-dwelling dinosaurs to life. It's a short film (40 minutes), but it was well worth the ticket price. The most "fun" movie of the year, and perhaps the best use of 3D in the movies.
4. "Mr. Brooks" - By God, Kevin Costner can act! An involving and surprisingly smart meditation on mental illness and serial murder that also features a great supporting performance from, of all people, Dane Cook, who needs to stick to drama and give up his futile quest to be a comedian.
5. "Grindhouse" - Two wildly different movies that just wouldn't be the same without each other and which, together with a collection of highly entertaining faux "coming attractions", celebrate the drive-in movie experience as they recreate it. Let us hope this idea can be continued with more films in the future.
6. "I Know Who Killed Me" - Lindsay Lohan's much-maligned turn for the adult is, to me, one of the most engrossing murder movies since "Silence of the Lambs". Accept it as a grim fairy tale and you may well find it brilliant; view it as an attempt at "realistic drama" and you're missing the whole idea. All the critics missed the idea.
7. "The Simpsons" - The show sucks now, but the the movie is as funny as the show was back in season 2. And man oh man is it something else to see Springfield in all the glory of 2.35:1 widescreen.
8. "300" - Beautiful to look at, as shallow as a puddle, and oh so wonderfully, mindlessly entertaining. Blood and guts have never looked better.
9. "The Kingdom" - Jamie Foxx is far more believable here as a military anti-terrorism officer than he was as Ray Charles (he won an Oscar for that?! Still baffles me). A well-written, thoughtful look at the Middle East conflict with nary a bad performance in sight. The abuse of "shaky cam" is distracting (and nauseating), but that's the only flaw in this film.
10. "Dead Silence" - The makers of the excellent "Saw" kick it old school in this throwback to the horror films of the thirties, the best treatment of a killer doll/puppet story since the first "Child's Play" film. And man is that Donnie Wahlberg a wizard with an electric shaver or what?
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