The Greatest Song Ever

Listen, you dimwits: I don't care one damn bit what you think the greatest song ever made is. For one, I don't care about your opinion on anything (all opinions other than my own register as utterly lacking merit in my mind), and for another thing, you're wrong. You are horribly, horribly wrong. That's NOT the greatest song ever. I can say this without even seeing your list, not because I'm psychic (if only), but because the kind of people who make "Greatest Song Ever" lists always pick one of the following as numero uno:

"Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley (Go listen to the original by Leonard Cohen and then try to tell me that Buckley's hack-job cover has any merit. You won't be able to.)
Anything by Pearl Jam (probably "Jeremy" 9 times out of 10)
"Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails (if you had said the Johnny Cash version you might have been on to something. Too bad, so sad.)
A Metallica Song (Metallica sucks, you idiots. Can't you see it?!)
mumblemumblemumble by Bob Dylan (you don't even know what he's saying, ADMIT IT.)

The kind of person who even listens to that shit is the kind of person who has no place critiquing music or claiming to know what the best of it is. That music is shit and the only people who like it have no taste and are likely 80 to 90 percent deaf. I'd have more respect for someone who said "You know what? The best song ever is "I Live by the Groove" by Paul Carrack." They'd be wrong (though it is a fine, catchy tune), but dammit it's so different and so, dare I say, bold to name a song that cheesy and obscure as the greatest ever that I would have to give some props to the person who said it just for having brass balls.

But instead I'm stuck with all these pussies who put the same crap atop their lists that everyone else does, for fear of being ridiculed or (God forbid) the fear of not having the same fucking opinion as their buddies on the internets. Wouldn't want to be all different, would we? Might shake things up and give us something to have a meaningful discussion about, like the merits of one type of music over another. Terrors!

So the next time you even consider making a "greatest songs ever" list, just remember: you're already a conformist douchebag, and your opinion is wrong. If you could remember this in any situation involving your opinion of anything and censor yourself as such we'd all be better off. Or at least I would be and that's all that really matters.